- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- CD – Carl Donnelly
- CA – Chris Addison
- AO – Andi Osho
- JW – Jack Whitehall
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Quiz Show
HD - Welcome to Junior Mastermind, our annual competition to find the best nerdy specky nobby nomates in Britain 2010.
AP - We asked 100 people: Name something you eat with a spoon. And the top answer was: "Piss off, I'm busy."
AO - So, Nick Griffin, you were the Weakest Link in that round and yet you chose to get rid of Rachid. Why?
CD - And on tonight's Family Fortunes, we're joined by the Fritzls and the Wests.
AP - So Noel, your soul for a resurrected career: deal or no deal?
JW - Ooh, this one has really stumped Steve from the Eggheads. The question was: "What is it like to have sex with a woman?"
CA - Welcome to Weakest Link: Banker's Edition. You've banked nothing, scored nothing, and yet you still have a bonus.
HD - You have one lifeline left, that's calling your country's government to see whether they will accept our demands.
CA - We asked 100 people: Where is the G-spot. You've given us your answer: If it's up there, love, I'll give you the money myself.
HD - So, this question for 100 pounds: What is your PIN number?
CA - 60 quid for half a gram of coke: deal or no deal?
JW - Deal.
AP - I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it. And by that, of course, I mean my bottom.
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In An Action Movie
CA - (camply) Right, I know what you're thinking. Did he fire 6 shots or just 5? To be honest in all the kerfuffle I kinda lost count meself, but, seeing this out this is a .44 Magnum which is the most powerful shotgun in the world that could blow your head clean off, go ask yourself: What am I like?
HD - If I press this button, you will witness the worst thing you could possibly imagine: Channel 5.
AP - I know you're mad, Max, but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews isn't going to help.
JW - First, Mr Bond, I plan to aim the giant laser at the world, and then--- Ah fuck, this cat's shat on me again!
AP - Ok men, this is the plan. We tunnel under the wire, we make a dash for Blighty, and hopefully, we'll never ever have to compete in the Commonwealth Games again.
CD - (As Terminator) I want your clothes, your boots, and your unicycle.
AO - There is a bomb on this bus, but we think we know who's got it. But if we get this wrong, we might look a bit racist.
HD - Batman! It's Catwoman, she says she's been thrown in a wheelie bin.
AO - They beat him, they kicked him, they shot him, they left him for dead. Now... he's dead.
HD - Now listen to me, Bourne. If you're not back in 10 minutes, your dinner goes in the bin, and yes, that is an ultimatum.
JW - (hoarsely) Luke, I am your father. (normal voice) Really? You're black.
CA - I'm Iron Man, doing what I do best: Ironing.
HD - "Which box do I put it in?" Terminator 5: Recycling Day.
JW - I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Legions of the North. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next. GLADIATOR READY! CONTENDER READY! THREE, TWO, ONE, HONK!