- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- EB – Ed Byrne
- CA – Chris Addison
- MJ – Miles Jupp
- JW – Jack Whitehall
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show
AP - The suspect has got a gun. But it's okay, Gazza's arrived and he's brought chicken and a fishing rod.
HD - I'm not doing it. This is a midwinter murder. It's freezing, it's not in the contract.
EB - As you can see from these samples we've taken that we've scraped from under her fingernails, she was manky.
JW - He were a policeman that got hit by a car and thought that he'd woken up in 1970. He were wrong. It were the present day. This is CSI: Hull.
CA - Sergeant, if you look closely, there are semen stains all over these bed sheets. Let's book into the Holiday Inn instead.
AP - Poirot, you've done it again. You've bored me shitless for the last 2 hours.
HD - So that's it? At the end of a 3-month investigation, that is it? It's Colonel Mustard in the living room with a lead pipe?
MJ - Inspector, has anyone ever said that you look an awful lot like David Jason from Only Fools and Horses?
EB - Yes, Miss Marple, we've had the lab results back, and it's very interesting: Actually it's thrush.
HD - He fits the profile. This is gonna be a really boring episode of Hole In The Wall.
MJ - You're probably wondering why I've asked you all to gather here in the library. Sorry? (whispers) Sorry, you're probably wondering why I've asked you all to gather here in the library...
CA - It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds. Have you any idea why he was killed? It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds!
EB - Ken Stott is Detective Inspector David Sod in Sod's Law.
MJ - Well, we know now who's responsible for the killing. It's society, yeah? Yeah, you want to think about that, hmm?
AP - The body is that of Eamonn Holmes. We may need a little more chalk.
Unlikely Things To Hear From A Sports Commentator
HD - So just 18 metres to go, and the building of this running track will be finished.
AP - And Ricky Hatton there, bleeding heavily from the nose. This boy really knows how to party.
EB - And we just getting the news that Usain Bolt's ankle isn't actually sprained, it's broken. So the only thing to do is to collect some of his sperm and then shoot him in the head.
MJ - Hello and welcome to Sky Sports, or if you're watching Sky Sports 3D, HELLO AND WELCOME!
EB - Ah, the smack of leather on willow, as Sue Barker walks into a tree.
AP - NEOWWW! NEOWWW! NEOWWW! The race hasn't started yet, I've just got a bit of a problem.
CA - All of the drivers has their own little good luck rituals. This one has brought a tiny good luck troll... Oh no, that's Bernie Ecclestone.
HD - Well, we'll have to see what the referee gets out. I don't think any of us were expecting that.
JW - Unfortunately, the Man United team have turned up with the wrong kit, so today they're gonna have to play in their pants.
AP - He got his wood out, and he's in a nasty bit of rough. He needs to get to the golf course as quickly as he can.
HD - Well, I have to say I do agree with the crowd. The referee is a wanker.
CA - Welcome to Delhi for the shit pit, sorry, the shot put. No, no, I was right first time!
JW - Now you join me for the men's discus final. WOMEN'S? THAT'S NOT A WOMAN!
MJ - And as the Derby winner is led out by his jockey, the sexual tension is almost unbearable.
HD - So, with one over to go, this next delivery could change everything. And it has, it's a no ball, I'VE WON £400,000, AND I'M OFF TO THE AIRPORT!
EB - Oh, and that's a beautiful shot there on the black. I really should remember these boxer's names.