AP: The characters in this book are entirely fictitious.
HD: And Samson said, "Lord, why have you given me all my strength in my hair?" And the Lord replied, "Because you're worth it."
RH: Noah noticed that the Ark was sinking. He hated woodpeckers.
JW: And Mary and Joseph were turned away from the inn, for there was no room. But then a wise man came along whose name was Lenny of Henry, and there was plenty of room at his inn, for it was a Premier Inn.
RH: Jesus was born in a stable. So in many years later, when he left the door open and people said "Were you born in the barn?", He could say "Yes, I was, actually."
NR: And then a trumpet brought down the walls of Jericho. It was Joshua with his bloody vuvuzela!
JC: And Moses arrived with the commandments. "Huh, got some bad news for Dave the Ox Lover..."
RH: The Last Supper was a disaster. We're never going to Nando's again, lads.
HD: In the courtyard, Jesus came across a man who couldn't walk. "Brother," he said, "have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault?"
AP: It rained for forty days and forty nights, which was a surprise, because the Met Office predicted a barbecue summer.
HD: Adam and Eve had two sons, who could not work together. Their names were Lampard and Gerrard.
JW: About the author: This is God's first book, he has one son, and he's a little bit touchy about gays!
Things You Won't Hear Your Sat Nav Say
RH: Don't be angry, but while you were getting petrol, I shagged your iPod.
AP: Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!
HD:(German accent) In 300 miles, you will realize, this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake.
JW: At the next set of traffic lights, a cyclist is gonna pull up next to you and is gonna give you a really dirty look like he's better than you. When the light turns green, let's see how good his balance is!
AP: Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.
RH: I tell you what darling, how about you get out of the car and let your husband park?
HD: Turn right. Wrong. I didn't say "Sat Nav Says."
NR: WELCOME TO JO'BURG! LOCK YOUR DOORS, PUT ON YOUR BULLET-PROOF VEST AND DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! IF YOU GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME HERE, I WON'T BE HERE WHEN YOU COME BACK!
RH: Bear left. And over to the right, squirrel!
JC: Ohh... you just turn me on. (makes sexual noises)
NR: Hold on, I've got the map upside down.
RH: Left. Left. Your girlfriend's left.
JW:(female-like voice) Next dinner party, you'll drink and I'll drive.
AP: Did you turn the gas off? Did you lock the door? Did ya? Did ya? I reckon we should go back, I reckon we should go back!
HD: (looks around) Where the fuck are we?
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.