The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the third episode of the ninth series.
Unlikely Things To Hear At The World Cup
- RH: I tell you what, that Nelson Mandela is a bit of a dick.
- AP: And on comes the sub for North Korea... and it's torpedoed the opposition.
- HD: Heskey scores!
- MF: There they are, Scotland, through to the final 16.
- EB: And we're a bit short of time this week, so both sides have been told to just play the highlights.
- RH: The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net!
- HD: Well it's very hard to tell with his legs at that angle but no that is definitely a Brazilian.
- CA: (in Italian accent) Yes on the one hand we lose the tournament but on the plus side it's Dolmio tonight.
- RH: That's right, Emmanuel Adebayor, I understand exactly what you just said!
- AP: And the English are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil covered pelican.
- CA: Oh goody, James Corden's show's on next!
- HD: England are of course being sponsored by Tesco online and that is why John Terry is being substituted by three ripe avocados.
- AP: Here we are on safari. There is a giraffe and there is an ostrich--- I'm terribly sorry, it's Peter Crouch's parents.
- HD: England are playing fantastically. This is a splendid DVD of 1966.
- EB: And what a shame Ireland couldn't be here, but then Thierry Henry is a filthy cheating lying bitch.
- CA: You want carpet? Crazy Diego de carpet!
Unlikely Letters To Television Channels
- RH: Dear Channel Five: your recent documentary on dyslexia was insightful and sensitive. Please show The Boy With Shit For Brains again.
- HD: As a terrorist, I have been watching Countdown with interest. It is rubbish, nothing happens!
- AP: Dear News 24: Go to bed.
- MF: Dear Babestation: have you actually read the Trade Descriptions Act?
- CA: Dear Bravo: I don't quite know how to put this, but well done.
- EB: Dear Channel Five: Isn't it time you just called it a day? No one will mourn!
- HD: I'm writing to thank you. On Sunday afternoon, whilst watching television with my wife, I was urged to press the red button. I did and my wife her first orgasm in forty years.
- RH: Dear Al Jazzera, please bring back your hit sitcom, Men Behaving Baghdadly.
- MF: Dear History Channel: The Nazis were bad, we get it.
- CA: Dear Hallmark: Roses are red, violets are blue, your cards are shit, and your channel is too.
- EB: Dear Channel 4: Why don't you pricks book me for any of your shows?
- CA: Dear Sky Sports -1: Thanks for showing the Grand National, I won a hundred thousand pounds.
- AP: Dear Points Of View, who do I complain to if I think Points Of View is shit?
- HD: Dear Fiver: If I give you a tenner will you please stop broadcasting?
- RH: Dear Channel 4: Why not liven up Deal Or No Deal by putting a nail bomb in one of the boxes?