The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the fifth episode of the ninth series.
Rejected Questions From This Year's Exams
- HD: To keep them cool, the testes of the male homo sapiens are on the outside. Should he put them back in his trousers?
- RH: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kayleigh, and Martin lives six miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
- EB: If an oil well is spitting out oil at 50,000 barrels a day, how do you stop it? No really. How do you stop it?
- AP: If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government?
- HD: If Mary has one apple, Thomas has an apple and an orange and Tarquin has two apples, an orange, an ugli fruit and two kumquats, whose parents read The Guardian?
- SF: Which is faster: a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the mobos?
- RH: If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be?
- CA: Calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes using pi.
- AP: A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70 miles an hour, around the M25. In what imaginary universe are they in fact travelling?
- RH: Henry the Eighth loved the bitches. Discuss.
- EB: Chemistry: What's that smell?
- HD: Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call claims direct?
- AP: Your mom's a slag. Discuss.
Things You Won't Hear In a Gardening Programme
- HD: If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip. Be careful what you do with the (in a high voice) shears!
- RH: And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
- CA: Not only that, but somebody has been sneaking into the allotment and putting top-soil on the ground... The plot thickens.
- AP: Last year I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up Time Team and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
- RH: And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. (As Stumpy Jeff) Hi, guys!
- EB: You see David here has got some nice budlia, and Jemai over there, she's got some nice hydrangia, and I've got Chlamydia.
- HD: Well, that's it for this week. I'm off home to plant my seeds. My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
- RH: Why grow flowers like this when you can steal them from a traffic blackspot?
- AP: Last week you were complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden, being a pest. But let me tell you, I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden it causes nothing but joy.
- HD: Well I've been having trouble with a mole. He keeps passing confidential information to other gardeners.
- EB: You see, we've got a nice rockery over there, and there's a lovely fountain we've put in, and next to that is the Tree Of Knowledge - YOU WILL NOT EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE!
- CA: If your lawn suffers from patchy grass, just grow it long one side and comb it over.
- HD: And if you leave it for about four or five years, it should be just the right height to piss behind.
- SF: In a garden it's - wh-who's blocking my light? Dara, could you just...
- AP: And over here is a wonderful water feature, like in Brussels, of a small boy pissing. This ones from Thailand, and I pay him twenty pence a week.
- RH: He ain't lying, it's good money!