AP: So we were playing Truth or Dare and I didn't want to tell the truth, so I shagged Edwina Currie.
HD: Big Ben struck twelve and stopped. Thank God. My buttocks were on fire.
RH: I thought I'd pressed the button that summoned the tea lady. Imagine my surprise when it turned out I bombed Russia.
AO: I think the greatest thing about meeting the Queen was listening to him singing "Candle in the Wind".
CA: Say what you like about Robert Mugabe, but that moustache makes all the difference to foreplay.
AP: I suspected that John Prescott was having an affair when the four legs of his desk came through the ceiling above me.
MJ: I was actually at college with Saddam Hussein. We were at Sussex together doing chemistry and combined inhumanities.
HD: At the start there were three women in the cabinet, five in the cellar and two under the patio.
AO: Deciding to go to war was one of the tensest games of "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe" I have ever played.
RH: We'd sometimes break up boring cabinet meetings by convincing David Blunkett he was black.
MJ: And when we got into Bosnia the first thing we did was get the United Nations troops setting up trestle tables with plates of cheese straws and sasuage rolls. But it turns out we were supposed to provide a buffer, not a buffet.
AO: John Prescott: An Autobiog-- An Autobi-- A Book By Me.
HD: "Take that you bastard," he said. "No one fucks with Mahatma Gandhi."
Things You Wouldn't Hear In a Medical Documentary
RH: I know you're a teenage mother but nobody will patronise you here. Come through to the slag ward.
HD: Next, he was put in a CAT scanner. Unfortunately, the cat was still in it.
MJ: And so, Nick Griffin comes around after the face transplant and that's not the colour he was expecting.
AP: Okay, now cough, and cough again, okay, yeah. I've got the diagnosis. You've got a cough.
HD: Eventually doctors had to break his leg in six places. It was the only way to stop him running around the ward, the little tosser.
CA: 34% of people in this country have Irritable Bowels-- Oh, sorry!
AO: What this attractive patient doesn't realise is Doctor Singh was struck off years ago.
RH: Brian is 75 stone. He hasn't left the house for three years. What a fat bastard!
HD: After months of tests, doctors finally discovered what had caused his blindness. He'd been masturbating too much.
AP: Today we're attempting a slightly difficult operation. What we're hoping to do is remove the Adam's apple with a pair of tweezers without the patients nose flashing red.
CA: Tara removes her top to reveal a hideous skin infection. Look away now if you're eating Rice Krispies.
HD: The Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrassing place imaginable and known by friends as "The Skipping Rope".
AP:(steps forward, then realizes there's no way he can top Hugh and heads back)
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