- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- KB – Kevin Bridges
- PK – Patrick Kielty
- MJ – Milton Jones
- RK – Russell Kane
Unlikely Things To Hear On A News Programme
AP - Behind me, a man lies dead. That's what happens if you pull faces in the background when I'm doing a piece to camera.
HD - This is BBC Three News In 15 Seconds: Floods, recession, Lib Dems, (thrusts hip back and forth) Wayne Rooney.
RK - Medical news just in: Pioneering X-rays have proven that Nick Clegg has a spine.
HD - Our tape of Big Ben is broken. Bong.
MJ - This is Fox News. (barks)
KB - Free Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi has died.
HD - Are you there? No? There's no one there. Well, we hope to talk to Michael Jackson later.
MJ - Later on, we'll be finding how the Queen arrived in Australia, but first...
PK - Finally economic news: We're fucked. Good night.
AP - There is still an embargo on revealing the footballer at the centre of this sex case. This is Bryan Henderson, outside John Terry's house, Surrey.
HD - Protestors set fire to cars and the blocked the carriageway for several hours in protest over something or other, bloody French.
AP - City News now. London is dangerous, York is old, and Bristol is a bit weird.
Unlikely Things To Hear On A Train
HD - This is the Virgin train service to Edinburgh. If you're not a virgin, would you please get off at Hemel Hempstead.
AP - We would like to apologise for the bumpy ride as we enter the last station. This is due to some selfish bastard throwing himself under the train.
KB - We're now arriving in Sheffield. Could all passengers in first class please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world.
RK - We'd like to apologise for the toilet being out of order the entire journey as Ricky Hatton is in it.
HD - Due to staff shortages, I am unable to finish this announ---
AP - Hot food is now available because the buffet car is on fire.
KB - We have now arrived in Birmingham New Street, we are pleased to inform any passengers wishing to change to Wolverhampton, that there is a JD Sports opposite the station.
PK - 'Scuse me, do you have any one of those sandwiches? They're delicious!
AP - Hmm, I wonder whether I should take my personal belongings with me when I leave this train. If only there was an announcement that could possibly help me!
HD - We apologies for the delay in services, this was caused by points of failure that make something up.
MJ - (high pitched voice) Hello. This is the train speaking. I know we're running a bit late, but don't worry, I know a shortcut.
KB - Could the passenger causing a disturbance in the quiet coach please settle down and stop shouting about your heart medicine?
HD - Would the driver please contact the guard? We have no idea where you are.
AP - This is the driver, contacting the guard. Where am I?