- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- GD - Greg Davies
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SE - Simon Evans
- MF - Micky Flanagan
Unlikely Things to Hear In a Police Station
MF - Hey Sarge, the microwave's broken again. Taser that meat pie for me, will you mate?
HD - I know it's unlikely, but I don't suppose anyone's handed in Colonel Gaddafi, have they?
AP - I noticed the burglar making his escape. At this moment, I cursed the police cutbacks and gave chase shouting "nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw."
CA - (Camp voice) All units be on the look for a purple Renault Clio, registration number Saffron, Doyley, 2, 2, Bonjela, Chrysanthemum, Hiya!
HD - No, we didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge, but the good news is, I got some lucky heather.
AP - No, I've not come to report a crime. It's just that I really miss The Bill so I thought I'd pop in for an hour.
MF - Hey, Sarge, pass us the arts section out of The Guardian, will you, mate?
HD - (Foreign accent) Yes, yes, I know how identity parade works. That's her! That's her! That's the woman I robbed!
GD - Right, listen up, we've got a new man starting. He's half-man, half-horse: It's Inspector Morse.
SE - Ah, yes, our new 50-inch plasma TV. It is rather nice. Well, if you can't beat them, eh...
HD - I am charging you with the murder of Mrs. Thompson. That will be £7.19 please.
GD - Right, listen up, there's a giant fly attacking the station. I've called the SWAT team.
AP - Thank God you've arrived, Officer! Some bloke just jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself fourteen times.
CA - We got the Tocks report back: It turns out they go straight after the Ticks.
MF - I was about to arrest her, Sarge, but I'll be honest, my bottle went cause she shouted out "I PUT A CURSE UPON YOU! I PUT A CURSE UPON YOU!"
Unlikely Things to Hear in a Science Documentary
CA - Having cloned Ian Wright, we now know that two Ian Wrights don't make an Ian Wrong.
MF - Erectile dysfunction: Physical problem or has the wife let herself go a bit?
HD - Well, this is incredible, this is a whole new species of miniature tiger! Oh no, hang on, it's a cat.
SE - Now pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit!
CA - We've discovered the source of the quark. It's the sound made by a posh duck.
HD - This is a red dwarf. His name is Antony Worrall Thompson.
AP - Welcome to The Sky at Night, and if we look out... Oh hell, Croydon's on fire!
CA - Despite getting a very bad press, biological weapons work at much lower temperatures that non-biological weapons.
AP - Without penicillin, well, I'd still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok.
MF - Tonight, we look at the ginger community: Physical anomaly or God's cruel joke?
AP - Ahh, the Northern Lights. Oh no, Manchester's on fire!
HD - But will they find a cure in time? The last hope for mankind lies with scientists here, at the Laboratoire Garnier.
MF - Tonight on Show Me the Evidence, we look at the traveler community: Can they really put a curse on you?
GD - And as the sperm swim towards the eggs, it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast.
AP - I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast!